


like you see through me

by phanetixs



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Coming Out, M/M, Meta, Pining, pre-relationship 2009 fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 22:05:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19754686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanetixs/pseuds/phanetixs
Summary: “Yeah,” Phil says, lovesick. He can’t contain it sometimes, the way his love for Dan fills him up and spills out in a puddle around his limbs. There isn’t enough space in his body to feelthismuch - Phil isn’t prepared.Or, a conversation ten years ago.





	like you see through me

**Author's Note:**

> surprise!! i wasn't planning on writing anymore -bc my headcanons were becoming actual canon and i couldn't deal - but this sprung outta nowhere. a wee little fic about how in love phil was then; i think he can still relate.

The first thing Phil thinks of is a house.

It’s this abstract thing, like how you imagine sequestering a portion of an island someday, or naming a star after you; those are things _adults_ do, and not a twenty-something video maker still living with his parents. But he’s not all pathetic now. After all, he’s got a fat unrequited crush _-_ that’s probably an instant upgrade to adulthood already.

They’re speaking on Skype, two hours in.

“What do you think your life will be in ten years?” Dan asks, half asleep. That cute yawn he makes after distracts Phil from the question, and Phil can’t be blamed if he stares a little. Phil can’t wait until they have a lazy morning in their shared home somewhere - maybe in London, or New York - and he can stare unabashedly at him. He hopes when he does find the balls to ask Dan out to Manchester sometime, that he'd do it right. He's a baby gay and doesn't know much outside the fact that Dan's the prettiest person he's ever seen - he'd get nervous and bite him a lot, Phil's sure.

Phil can’t tell him yet though. There’s this fine line between best friend and something more that he’s hesitant to cross. Phil feels it though, vague reciprocity.

(Phil thinks of Dan on the Kinsey scale but he’s having a tough time deciphering if that means Dan’s _gay_ or attracted to males excluding him. Dan tells Phil he’s fit, on that rare occasion Phil feels confident enough to take his top off, but Phil hardly ever believes that sort of thing. It’s not that he's insecure about the way he looks - it’s just that he’s sure Dan’s _seen_ better. Phil doesn’t have that kind of body to compete.)

(And some days, Dan licks his lips like he wants to kiss Phil through the webcam, and it startles Phil how much he _wants_ sometimes. It burns like an inferno.)

And yet, _yet_ , Phil waits. He isn’t sure what he’s waiting for; sometimes he thinks he’d wait for Dan until he was 50 and had five doggos; but he’s sure Dan’s worth it. Especially when he smiles like that, and fiddles with his fringe just so. 

“Phil.” Dan glares, like he does when he’s being ignored. Phil makes up excuses when it gets like this, that he forgot something off the shopping list, or thought of an old video he’s watched, to mask the fact that he’s completely off his arse. 

“Yes, my dear,” Phil says this time.

“10 years. Go.”

Phil doesn’t have to think very hard about it - unbidden thoughts of the future come to him naturally. A product of getting older, and not having much to show for it, he figures. The first thing, of course, is probably a house. Maybe some bungalow in Spain - like he’s seen on the telly. A house with windows for walls, and marble tiling. Phil skidding on the steps and Dan laughing at the corner.

“With you, of course,” he first says. The most important part. 

Dan blushes. “That’s _if_ I want you around. Hard to say when you’re that shit at games - I’d need a competitive partner.” 

Phil smirks. “Oh yes, not like I beat you at Mario or anything last week _._ Yer Internet glitched, _sure_."

“Phil!” Dan says, aghast. “I thought we agreed we shan’t speak of such a thing. An anomaly. A teeny rip in the fabric of the universe!”

Phil laughs. “Aaaand...scene. Dramatic as usual, Mr Howell. Bravo. Also, if any part of the universe ripped, we’d be dead. Though, pretty sure you’ll still be around annoying me in the afterlife. Can’t get rid of you, seems like."

Phil takes a breath. 

“10 years, dunno. A _decade._ Weird to think about me that age yeah? Whadda it be - 2019? Would YouTube even exist then, I wonder.”

“Probs not, mate. Things don’t last that long. Myspace - remember that?” Dan whooshes out a breath. Phil thinks of the nasty things he’s seen on there, the homogeneous group of emo kids with the same hair he’d been (still is) part of. He doubts emo will be a thing in ten years; culture often being malleable and superfluous.

“Yikes. Yeah. So, jobless for eternity. Though, I think I’d become a teacher, most likely. I liked a lot of my teachers at school and if I’m patient enough to deal with you, then, ‘m probably set.”

Dan laughs, pretends to swipe at him. Phil wants to touch him, for real. Rub a finger over his knuckles and take him on the Eye. He’s nervous just thinking about it.

“Basically. I’d want to be in London-ish. Maybe not central because that’s stinky and the people suck. Sorta outside, like a borough? With a dog and maybe some money? That’d be nice.”

Phil wants to laugh at how wistful he sounds, but he can imagine it perfectly. Even if life goes to shit, all he’d have are these thoughts - like that old homeless man at the bottom of their flat building that talks about meeting the Queen someday. It’s what keeps him going.

Dan smiles, too. Like he knows what Phil’s feeling. “A dog, fuck yeah. Maybe I’d be a lawyer there, though that’s a long shot _at best_. Or like making videos on some big website. Dunno. I feel like I have a lot of stories to tell.” 

Dan looks sad, suddenly. Phil wants to crawl over and give him a warm hug - how devoted he is to a person he’s never seen in the flesh should be worrying, but Phil doesn’t give a shit. A flying fuck - Phil can’t imagine fucking someone in the sky, though, that’s strange.

“Maybe then I’d have the courage to tell people I’m gay. In 10 years?” Dan mumbles, biting his bottom lip. His eyes swell up, and Phil’s stomach flips over, and there’s this silence that Phil hates but lets happen anyway. 

Phil can’t mask his surprise. He’s a really horrible actor, which is why he sticks to short bouts of acting when he has to. He gasps this weird sound, and then struggles to find something to say. He tries to remember what he wanted to hear when he came out all those years ago: maybe that he’s not alone, and that it’s not bad and he’s still, _still_ , a good person despite his demons telling him otherwise. 

“Oh yeah. Yeah. Definitely by then,” is what Phil ends up saying, the stupid idiot he is. He feels elated and upset all at once. Upset for all the past Dans that have been given a hard time, made ashamed for the person he is. The gorgeous boy that he is. 

“Like. I’m open now, relatively.” There’s an innuendo there that sits between them. “But, the Internet is a different thing, y’know. Imagine my friends or _parents_ finding out on there,” Dan shudders then. 

“Yeah.” Phil knows how it is; he was forced through that path only a year ago. People are vicious. 

“But, one day, though. One day, I’m going to come out and give some advice and make some people happy. That’s going to be me,” Dan says, some optimism there that Phil thought he was averse to. The world is going to be different then, Phil thinks, that it’ll be alright to be happy and optimistic and completely yourself - he agrees.

“Yeah,” Phil says, lovesick. He can’t contain it sometimes, the way his love for Dan fills him up and spills out in a puddle around his limbs. There isn’t enough space in his body to feel this _much_ \- Phil isn’t prepared.

“Hey,” Phil says. “I’m gonna be with you. When that happens.” Promise is a dangerous thing, Phil was told once. Lethal and toxic, consuming. 

Phil’s scared of many things. He’s scared of failing, of the boy he loves never loving him back, of strangers in the tram. He’s scared of negative comments, mostly, though he knows he can’t do much about them. Rational fears. 

Promise, then, is solitude. All he _can_ control is the way he lives his life, and how he chooses, and _will choose_ to live. He can promise, because he knows that with every fibre of his being he belongs with Dan. If Dan chooses to ignore that, fine then, but Phil will continue to choose him, as long as he is an option. It’s self-sacrificial. Phil doesn’t even know him. But it feels right.

“Big talk, man. Can you back it up?” Dan asks, all bravado but Phil sees the way his eyes are a little shiny, lip quivering. 

It’s then Phil realises, Dan knows it too. “Yep. We’re inevitable. We are.”

Dan laughs wetly, rubs his sweater paws together. 

Until it happens, Phil will wait. No doubt about it.

**Author's Note:**

> phanetixs.tumblr.com  
> twitter.com/phanetixs
> 
> i love you. hope trump doesn't fuck the world up and you live a good life.


End file.
